Josef is lost in a secret world of sexual gratification, a true-life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, unable to halt the “roller coaster of conflicting emotional extremes that never stopped long enough for me to get off.”
“I gave myself to that sexual playground completely, and loved every minute of it when it was happening. It was only afterwards that spikes of shame, guilt, and self-¬loathing would be driven deep into my heart.”
He traces the beginnings of his obsession to his childhood, where his natural innocent curiosity and need for exploration were at odds with his Catholic upbringing and the view of his extremely repressed mother, both of whom regarded the human body as ‘dirty’ and ‘shameful’.
For sixty years, Josef lived a secret double life. The only people who knew about this other life were the professional mistresses, trannies, and prostitutes with whom he indulged every conceivable sexual fantasy. No one in his ‘other’ life had any idea of who he really was or the things he did.
Yet his secret life claimed a terrible toll. The failure of his first marriage. The loss of his son. The loss of his beloved second wife.
Only after extensive therapy was he finally able to see and feel the light of compassion, and allow the healing energy of forgiveness to begin taking away the pain.
In his journey, Josef explores an astonishing variety of topics. In addition to sexual addiction and the hidden world of BDSM, he delves into the burden of guilt of the Catholic Church, fear, political correctness, non-¬judgment, love and loss, philosophy, the soul, spiritual awakening, and healing.
This is the journey of an ordinary man lost in an extraordinary secret, dark world, who ultimately finds his way out of the tangled mess through the power of love and forgiveness.
This book was a lifetime in the making. Two years in the writing. It’s an exploration of life, and urges and desires familiar to all of us. One of the biggest issues everyone has to ideal with is sex and people usually make a choice. They either follow their desires, or they don’t. This book looks at the issues that arose, and the conflict of emotions I had to deal with when I chose both, although it more correctly felt like they both chose me. Life became an exercise in understanding who I am by exploring what “lies beneath.” There was no way around the exploration because of the battle for supremacy raging between the two and the battle was inside me. What lies beneath reared it’s head and found it’s way to the surface. What was the war all about and what would become of me? I am so much more than what I feel, and much, much less than what I think. This book is my journey of continuing self-discovery as I move through the mystery we call life.