A collection of twisted Bible tales from the warped mind of J. R. Eldridge. Drawing from his fascination with religion and mythology, Eldridge takes the reader on a journey from the creation of the universe to the arrival of the Israelites in Egypt in this blasphemously funny retelling of the Book of Genesis.
A lonely deity creates the universe in his mother’s basement and makes a little clay man who falls in love with his own rib. After the humans engage in some freaky angel sex, God decides to flood the entire world, saving only a drunkard called Noah and his family.
Once the humans have repopulated the Earth, God chooses one man called Abram, drags him from his home in the middle of the night, changes his name, and then tells him to kill his son, forming an everlasting covenant with him and his descendants.
Later, Jacob steals his brother’s birthmark, boinks his cousins, and comes up with an innovative way to breed sheep. He fathers a dozen kids including Joseph, whose brothers get tired of his dreams of grandeur and sell him to some shapeshifting Ishmaelites who take him to Egypt.
The author invites readers to look up the original verses to see how much of the absurdity comes from his warped imagination, and how much comes from the original stories.
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J. R. Eldridge is a British satirical fiction author with a fascination with religion and the absurd mythology that surrounds it. Raised in the Church of England, he lost his belief in his early teens, but he remained transfixed with the Bible and studied textual criticism in his spare time.
Growing up, he was an avid reader, spending his evenings reading such books as the Chronicles of Narnia, the Discworld series, and the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when he was supposed to be sleeping. He has been writing stories and poetry since an early age but kept this as a hobby until the inspiration to transform the joke Bible verses that he’d written on Twitter for a laugh into parody stories.