Humor

Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere By Dave J. Shelton

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About Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere By Dave J. Shelton:

This is the second installment in the series, and everything in here is even fresher, funnier and, as usual, straight to the punchlines. As with the first installment, you won’t find those cliched materials—that’s what the internet’s for. After all, time is so precious it should only be wasted wisely.
In this installment, you get memorable quotes, witty one-liners, and humorous short jokes on knowledge, wisdom, science, technology, time, intelligence, money, politics, government, relationship, marriage, love, relationship, beauty, health, success, etc. There are also materials to motivate and inspire you, so you know that it’s well, even inside a well (although, outside is obviously better). Some humorous but somewhat true definitions have also been included. Also, in order to aid understanding, keywords have been italicized.
Tom Willis, the fellow who is capable of the sublime in one minute and pure foolery in the very same minute, is back, and back with a bang. I couldn’t help but create more space for him in this installment. You also get to meet our new doctor, the one who took the hypocritical oat and, therefore, likes to make a meal (or mess, if you like) of everything.
Although this is not the go-to book for aspiring clowns, you can rest assured that the contents of this book will breathe new life into your talks, speeches, tweets, writings, etc.
This book is ideal for the young, the old, and the age-is-just-a-number crew.

Snippets from this book

******
Don’t show bias: treat fools, idiots, morons, and nincompoops equally. After all, they’re all equally useless.

******
Once, a computer beat me at chess. Next time, I came fully prepared—with the right screwdrivers.

******
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool only than to speak and reveal the mouth odor as well.

******
Don’t lie; you will never be able to do it better than the politicians.

******
Fools: morons with the least number of brain neurons.

******
Honesty pays, but crime pays faster.

******
My family was so poor…we rarely had enough to eat, never mind renting an apartment in the slums.

******
TOM’S FRIEND: There’s this designer shirt that costs 5,000 dollars; it requires no washing, pressing, doesn’t get wet, and has a lovely, permanent fragrance.
TOM WILLIS: And it has the money-back option in case of theft?

******
What a man can do, a woman can make him do it better.

******
If a jobless man sleeps around, he’s just homeless; If a jobless woman does same, she’s a sex worker.

******
Love all, but trust only dogs.

******
Everyone’s born with greatness; the problem is, it typically goes out with the umbilical cord.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Twitter page.

Tribespotting: Undercover Cult(ure) Stories by Harmon Leon

About Tribespotting: Undercover Cult(ure) Stories by Harmon Leon:

Legendary infiltration journalist Harmon Leon has gone undercover again and returned with a new book. Gentleman cartoonist Keith Knight provides popular comics that enhance Leon’s enlightening narrative.

“This book was eye-opening …” –David Litt, author of NY Times bestseller Thanks, Obama

The United States is a divided country, where two disparate tribes fight to provoke, condemn, and defeat the other. In Tribespotting: Undercover Cult(ure) Stories, Harmon Leon dives directly into the eye of the tribal storm, drastically changing his look and attitude as he goes undercover in an exploration of tribal behavior and its many manifestations in modern culture.

Employing the same inimitable style that he honed while infiltrating extremist groups, Leon introduces readers to a series of vastly different tribes, including a gathering of five thousand assault weapons fanatics, a clan of white supremacists who recruit at Applebee’s, a church of hookers who walk the streets for Jesus, and a meeting of cult members who stare at their leader’s handsome face.

Some of these tribes engage in harmless, hobby-loving fellowship while others revolve around the adulation of charismatic celebrities. Some of these tribes strive to uplift the individual via religious enlightenment, and a few are actually full-blown cults. But at the root of all these different tribes lies the same psychological need—the desire to be around like-minded people.

With that in mind … LET’S DO SOME TRIBESPOTTING!

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Visit the Twitter page.

The MisreadBible: Genesis by J. R. Eldridge

About The MisreadBible: Genesis by J. R. Eldridge:

A collection of twisted Bible tales from the warped mind of J. R. Eldridge. Drawing from his fascination with religion and mythology, Eldridge takes the reader on a journey from the creation of the universe to the arrival of the Israelites in Egypt in this blasphemously funny retelling of the Book of Genesis.

A lonely deity creates the universe in his mother’s basement and makes a little clay man who falls in love with his own rib. After the humans engage in some freaky angel sex, God decides to flood the entire world, saving only a drunkard called Noah and his family.
Once the humans have repopulated the Earth, God chooses one man called Abram, drags him from his home in the middle of the night, changes his name, and then tells him to kill his son, forming an everlasting covenant with him and his descendants.

Later, Jacob steals his brother’s birthmark, boinks his cousins, and comes up with an innovative way to breed sheep. He fathers a dozen kids including Joseph, whose brothers get tired of his dreams of grandeur and sell him to some shapeshifting Ishmaelites who take him to Egypt.

The author invites readers to look up the original verses to see how much of the absurdity comes from his warped imagination, and how much comes from the original stories.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
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Not Going Gently by Alex Henderson

About Not Going Gently by Alex Henderson:

Things aren’t going so well for elderly widower Mitch.
His daughter thinks he’s rushed himself into a residential dementia centre before he becomes a burden upon her. In truth he’s more worried that if he doesn’t lock himself away then the secrets of his past will get out.
The care home could be a whole lot nicer, but it’s all he can afford and, anyway, Mitch is determined. He’s sold his house and signed his freedom away. Let them take care of him for the muddled remainder of his days.
Except that he’s not really in need of a place like this yet. And far worse – his former best friend and old band mate Ray is already here.
The last person he’d ever want to be trapped with.
Especially since the secrets are about him.
With a cast of vivid characters who will shock and delight in equal measure, Alex Henderson’s latest is a poignant and darkly hilarious tale of friendship, regret and the need to squeeze the juice out of every day we’re given.

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Oceans Away

About Oceans Away:

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞, 𝐬𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞.

Adopted as an infant, Ireland Leighton grew up in the heart of the Midwest. After inheriting millions from her biological parents, she is determined to help others any way she can. The only string is a business engagement with another millionaire. Ireland returns to Iowa years later to plan her brother’s tropical wedding. The festivities would be easier if her sexy ex-boyfriend stayed out of reach and her future wasn’t already planned.

Time suppressed his feelings for the girl next door, but Gideon Taggart isn’t about to let Ireland escape again. Farmer by day, veterinarian by choice, his second chance with his first love is far from easy. He soon discovers that no matter how much he loves Ireland, she’ll always choose her family over a future with him.

𝑂𝑐𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑠 𝐴𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑖𝑛 𝑆𝑘𝑦𝑒 𝑀𝑐𝑁𝑒𝑖𝑙’𝑠 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑-𝑎𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑚𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑎𝑟𝑦 𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠, 𝐴𝑡𝑙𝑎𝑠. 𝐸𝑎𝑐ℎ 𝑏𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠 𝑎 𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑛𝑣𝑦, 𝑠𝑛𝑜𝑟𝑡-𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑡ℎ𝑦 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑑𝑦, 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑣𝑖𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑢𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑐𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑙𝑑. 𝑌𝑒𝑠, 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡, 𝑝𝑙𝑢𝑠 𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ 𝑛𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑙 𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑎 𝑓𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑙𝑜𝑢𝑠 𝐻𝐸𝐴.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
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Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere By Dave J. Shelton

About Brand-New Quotes, One-liners, and Short Jokes: A Collection of Humorous Materials You Won’t Find Anywhere By Dave J. Shelton:

This is the second installment in the series, and everything in here is even fresher, funnier and, as usual, straight to the punchlines. As with the first installment, you won’t find those cliched materials—that’s what the internet’s for. After all, time is so precious it should only be wasted wisely.
In this installment, you get memorable quotes, witty one-liners, and humorous short jokes on knowledge, wisdom, science, technology, time, intelligence, money, politics, government, relationship, marriage, love, relationship, beauty, health, success, etc. There are also materials to motivate and inspire you, so you know that it’s well, even inside a well (although, outside is obviously better). Some humorous but somewhat true definitions have also been included. Also, in order to aid understanding, keywords have been italicized.
Tom Willis, the fellow who is capable of the sublime in one minute and pure foolery in the very same minute, is back, and back with a bang. I couldn’t help but create more space for him in this installment. You also get to meet our new doctor, the one who took the hypocritical oat and, therefore, likes to make a meal (or mess, if you like) of everything.
Although this is not the go-to book for aspiring clowns, you can rest assured that the contents of this book will breathe new life into your talks, speeches, tweets, writings, etc.
This book is ideal for the young, the old, and the age-is-just-a-number crew.

Snippets from this book

******
Don’t show bias: treat fools, idiots, morons, and nincompoops equally. After all, they’re all equally useless.
******
Once, a computer beat me at chess. Next time, I came fully prepared—with the right screwdrivers.
******
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool only than to speak and reveal the mouth odor as well.
******
Don’t lie; you will never be able to do it better than the politicians.
******
Fools: morons with the least number of brain neurons.
******
Honesty pays, but crime pays faster.
******
My family was so poor…we rarely had enough to eat, never mind renting an apartment in the slums.
******
TOM’S FRIEND: There’s this designer shirt that costs 5,000 dollars; it requires no washing, pressing, doesn’t get wet, and has a lovely, permanent fragrance.
TOM WILLIS: And it has the money-back option in case of theft?
******
What a man can do, a woman can make him do it better.
******
If a jobless man sleeps around, he’s just homeless; If a jobless woman does same, she’s a sex worker.
******
Love all, but trust only dogs.
******
Everyone’s born with greatness; the problem is, it typically goes out with the umbilical cord.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Twitter page.

The Psychic Memoirs by Joshua Lakhamraju

About The Psychic Memoirs by Joshua Lakhamraju:

A young con artist pretends to be able to communicate with the dead and quickly becomes a celebrity.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.

The Joyful Noise

About The Joyful Noise:

The Joyful Noise is an exclusive collection of humorous short stories, jokes and quips to fully awaken the reader from a monotonous course of life to an absolute bliss of hearty laughter.
The author chose relatable themes of God, heaven, devil, hell, old age, new age, death, life, money, relationships, love, children, church, synagogue, prayer, funerals and light bulbs needing or not needing to be screwed into their sockets by certain numbers of folks or none at all.
Let us prey for a joyful noise – a giggle, chuckle or a guffaw, for God knows we need it.

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Cartoon Headcase: Making the whole world laugh

About Cartoon Headcase: Making the whole world laugh:

Welcome to the alternative universe of Cartoon Headcase! Come on a rib-tickling ride through a panorama of puns. This book is the second in a series from comedy genius, John King. Experience a new reality full of madness and memes, craziness and crackers. This book is packed with over 300 cartoons, providing fun for the whole family! Keep it by your toilet or give it to your friends! See what all the fuss is about – and what is making the whole world laugh!

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.

Cartoon Headcase: Cartoons to make you happy

About Cartoon Headcase: Cartoons to make you happy:

Welcome to the crazy world of Cartoon Headcase! This is the first in a series from comedy genius, John King. Enjoy the hilarious life observations, ironies and bizarre situations. This book will have you chuckling in seconds, and looking forward to the sequels. It is literally bursting with over 300 cartoons – keep it by your toilet or give it to your friends! It makes a perfect gift that is suitable for all ages. Once you enter the world of Cartoon Headcase, you won’t want to leave!.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.

Man Child

About Man Child:

This is the vivid, heartbreaking, and harrowing true story that explores what life is like as an asshole. Some critics are saying this is the most important book since the Bible. It will change your life forever. If you don’t believe me, my third cousin from Jersey didn’t read it, and he’s still on heroin. My neighbor didn’t read it either, and he is still really fat. My nan and pap didn’t read it. Now they are both dead.
I spent my whole life living a lie, the same way gay people do before they realize they are gay. I tried to fit in and do things he thought normal people do like have manners, chew with their mouth closed, and not pee all over the toilet seat, but it never felt natural to me. Deep down inside I always had this burning desire to talk during movies, wipe boogies on the couch, put empty milk cartons back in the fridge, and squeeze the toothpaste from the top. As a small boy, I would often find myself staring off into the distance at parking lots and longing for the day when I could drive my own car someday so I could use it to take up two spaces. I spent forty as an asshole. This is my story.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.

Cartoon Headcase: Cartoons to make you happy

About Cartoon Headcase: Cartoons to make you happy:

Welcome to the crazy world of Cartoon Headcase! This is the first in a series from comedy genius, John King. Enjoy the hilarious life observations, ironies and bizarre situations. This book will have you chuckling in seconds, and looking forward to the sequels. It is literally bursting with over 300 cartoons – keep it by your toilet or give it to your friends! It makes a perfect gift that is suitable for all ages. Once you enter the world of Cartoon Headcase, you won’t want to leave!.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.

Car Boot Tales

About Car Boot Tales:

If you’ve ever wondered what goes through the mind of a car boot stall holder, then there are two things you need to do:

1. Read this book
2. Get yourself some new hobbies

If you’re thinking about setting up your very first car boot stall, then this book will be an excellent guide for you. If you’ve done one before, then the characters you’ll meet in here will be all too familiar to you.

Whilst it would be all too easy to present this book as some sort of manual, its primary purposes is to make you wonder why anyone in their right mind would ever choose to sell at a car boot sale. The hours are unsociable, the weather unpredictable and the profits are non existent. But do it right, and they’ll be the most hilarious and fun way to spend a morning.

Paul J Rose took his assorted ‘treasures’ to a selection of car boot sales close to his home. His mission was a simple one – to clear out his house. However, as time went on, something much more interesting happened; the exchanges that took place between buyer and seller became more and more ridiculous.

Eventually, the desire to get rid of stuff took second place to the gathering of stories. People’s attempts at negotiation were frankly laughable, and it became clear that there was a pattern, and if that pattern could be recognised, then every car boot sale would be a joy.

If you’re looking for a guide on how to make the most money at a car boot sale, then you won’t find it here. This is a light hearted look at the people that choose to spend their early mornings in a field, looking to purchase other people’s junk. Well, ‘light hearted’ would be one way to put it; ‘rant on the part of a middle aged malcontent’ might be another.

For the entrepreneur, your guide to making millions awaits you….in some other book. In here, we cling to a simple mantra:

“These people are paying me to clean my house.”

What you do need to know is that every exchange that takes place in this book genuinely happened. The internal monologue of the seller will certainly have been enhanced for comedic purposes, but however unbelievable these stories get, please know that they are all completely true.

So if you’re looking for an easy read that hopes to bring you some laughs, then Car Boot Tales is definitely the book for you.

Enjoy it on the train. Read it on the bus. Fill pointless moments in the toilet. Seriously, how is any of this a big deal? It’s a book – if you don’t know the portable nature of books by now then there’s really very little hope for you.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.
Visit the Twitter page.

What Do You Meme?

About What Do You Meme?:

Hey kids,
You like memes?
You like weird?
Then this be the book for you,
Because this is a book of weird memes!
Like, really weird.
But also, really meme-y.
Not dank, though.
Don’t be thinking they’re dank.
Enjoy!

Note:
The author of this collection does not condone
the viewing of these memes.
Nor does he think that they are a substitute
for a good, solid education.

Stay in school.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
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A is for Adam: An Alphabet Book for Grown-Ups!

About A is for Adam: An Alphabet Book for Grown-Ups!:

The Forbidden Fruit.

Come on. Bite it. You know you want to.

The snake says it’s okay.

Eve says it’s okay.

You’re curious, aren’t you, Adam?

Bite it.

You bit it, didn’t you?

It’s all right; we all make mistakes. Paradise wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, anyway. From now on, you’ll have to make your own way. Just you and Eve and your trusty talking goat sidekick, Phil Collins.

The book of Genesis. How bad could it be? Take a bite and find out for yourself.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
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Welcome to Ludicrous by Virginia Henderson

About Welcome to Ludicrous by Virginia Henderson:

*FREE to download May 16th-20th*

All Aboard!

Allow me to be your personal guide to Ludicrous. A small town where things are not always what they seem and are often… ludicrous.

Take the butcher for instance. He’s a vegetarian. And there’s the exterminator, he’s positively petrified when it comes to bugs. Then there’s the mayor…

I invite you to follow along with Priscilla Pinwick, an uptight, rude and prideful woman, as she travels to this town. What could possibly go wrong?

Includes a free preview of The Beast, a gripping and intense thriller!

What other readers are saying:

“A great story and I would totally recommend it.”

“Couldn’t put it down.”

“It had a climax I loved, a double dose of girl power, character development that made me unexpectedly bond with Priscilla, and a sweet ending.”

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
Buy the Book On Amazon.
Visit the Facebook Fan Page.
Visit the Twitter page.

So Many Thrones: A Parody of Game of Thrones by John Marquane

About So Many Thrones: A Parody of Game of Thrones by John Marquane:

From the author of The Candidate in the Rye and a graduate of The Harvard Lampoon, this parody novel is a send-up of Game of Thrones, publishing just in time for the series finale.

Before the HBO series, and before your friend who has never read a single fantasy series invited you over to watch, remember when you first read those famous words—“Is it just me or is it getting colder outside?”

When the King’s Right-Hand-Man is murdered, it falls to Sean Bean of Winterville to take his place in Camelot, where the blood pours like wine and climate change is a distant dream. Follow Cat Lady as she relies on the scheming Goldfinger to help solve a murder, her son Raisin-Bran as physical injury destines him for magical powers, and test-tube baby Juan Doe as he joins the Border Patrol, dedicated to denying climate change and preventing those awful Canadians from ever invading from beyond the wall. And now for the first time follow new point-of-view characters including George R. R. Martin himself as he struggles to preserve the artistic integrity of A Song of Ice and Fire against the demands of HBO executives hungry for syndication. Will he finish his epic series before it is too late? Will winter ever, eventually, at some point come?

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
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Spoons

About Spoons:

The tiny town of Spoons, South Dakota is, as the Americans would describe, ‘a one horse town’; the comments of the horse are not recorded. In his story, ‘Spoons’ a young Thai boy goes to live in a small American town with his father and American Stepmother. He and his Chinese friend not only have to cope with American culture but solve what seems to be the perfect murder.

Welcome to the town of Spoons.

Y’all come back now.

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Teaching Frankenstein: A Cautionary Tale

About Teaching Frankenstein: A Cautionary Tale:

Every student has a story…

But you won’t find it here.

Dark, profane, and absurd, this comedy follows the journey of a young teacher on a misguided adventure to resurrect dead dreams. After being let go from his first school, the nameless narrator finds himself at a tough urban high school ready to quit. He decides that the only way to rekindle his passion for teaching is through his favorite novel. It’s a decision that leads him on an unsuspecting journey where he discovers that teaching a book about monsters means dealing with his own first.

The story exposes the importance of friendship and the truth behind what it means to be a teacher. Based on real events, the novel parallels Mary Shelley’s 1818 classic, Frankenstein, and shows that 200 years later, humanity still struggles to identify the real monsters.

It’s a must-read for aspiring educators, teachers, and those struggling with adulting.

Buy the book, and follow the author on social media:
Learn more about the writer. Visit the Author’s Website.
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JOKES : Collection of Best Jokes and Funny Short Stories

About JOKES : Collection of Best Jokes and Funny Short Stories:

In life the best ornament is humility; the richest wealth is wisdom; the strongest weapon is patience; the best security is faith; the best mental tonic is laughter. Live well, laugh often, love much and share God’s blessings. We all know that laughter is the best medicine, and this is true, Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

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